Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. This is your captain speaking. I’m not a real captain, with training or anything, but that doesn’t matter. Just trust me.
First, I’d like to welcome everyone on the Midnight Meat Plane…err…Express. We are currently cruising at an altitude of 33,000 feet at an airspeed of 666 miles per hour. The time is 1:25 pm. The weather looks good, despite climate change, and with the tailwind on our side we are expecting to land in Zombieland approximately fifteen minutes ahead of schedule. The weather there is clear and sunny, but a dose of Vitamin D won’t save you anymore. But you should get a great last view of the city as we descend into the bowels of hell. My magnificent crew will be coming around in about twenty minutes time to offer you a delicious insectoid snack, and some good old American Apple Pie for a treat –– because you deserve it after being such a good, obedient citizen –– sacrificing yourself for the common good, and making me and the rest of us very happy boys and girls. The inflight movie will begin shortly after that –– a special screening of 1984 to remind you that you had a perfectly good chance to avoid this flight but chose not to take it.
You will find the safety briefing card in your seat pocket. It is beautiful and has lots of nice pictures. Don’t let anyone tell you they don’t have the correct information. Those people are right wing extremists trying to spread misinformation. We will deal with them shortly.
We are now going to dim the lights for take-off. If you are scared of the dark or that the Bogey Man will get you, don’t worry, you are the Bogey Man.
I’ll talk to you again before we reach our destination. Until then, sit back, relax, and enjoy the rest of your very short life. But remember to wear your mask until you die. It’s for your own good and for the good of others to keep up the farce.
Don’t be alarmed if you feel some mild discomfort during the flight. You are probably prone to vaccine-induced blood clotting, that’s perfectly normal and to be expected. The FDA did you warn you. Oh, and don’t worry, I won’t be having a stroke in the cockpit…erm…a heart attack I mean… because I didn’t take the vaccine, despite what you saw on TV.
Sit back. Relax. Enjoy our hospitality. Or you can sit up and be tense. The choice is yours.
Sorry if you experience a bumpy landing. It’s not the captain’s fault. It’s not the co-pilot’s fault. It’s the Chinese. Once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.
Best of luck.
When you think you don’t have a choice, you still have a choice.